How to Move on From a Breakup: Using “Opposite Action” to Love to Survive Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, for lovers or couples, is usually celebrated with a romantic evening. For those struggling to get over a breakup or get over someone, they may spend it in misery and hopelessness, fearing that things will never get better. Ending a relationship with someone we care about is very difficult. It can lead us to question our own self-esteem, experience intense feelings of loneliness, and even feel hopeless. Especially in a season where being in love is publicly flaunted, our feelings of sadness can be greatly amplified and potentially lead to some action that actually makes us feel worse in the long run.

Many times, people struggling to get over a breakup inadvertently act in ways that amplify their emotions of love toward the person. This could involve meeting up with an ex, calling or texting them, or browsing their social media. All these actions arise from the emotion of love. Love activates our impulses to build a connection. However, if love is unrequited or no longer justified, acting on these impulses can be ineffective and only make us feel worse in the long run.

So what can we do?

Enter “Opposite Action.”

Opposite action is a DBT skill that shares the same basic principles of exposure therapy. In order for emotions to go down, we have to do the opposite of what your emotions want you to do. For example, after a breakup, many feel the need to stay home and isolate themselves due to intense feelings of sadness. For the emotion of sadness to decrease, we would need to do the opposite: get active, go out with friends and stay connected.

What is the opposite action to love?

• The first step is to determine if your feelings of love are justified. Love is justified when the person you love enhances your quality of love or brings you closer to your goals. Chances are, if your relationship has ended and the other person has made it clear that they don’t want to get back together, love is no longer justified.
• The second step is to identify what impulses are associated with love. My need is to check your Instagram? Do I feel like texting them? Do I feel like constantly talking to my friends? The third step is to identify what the opposite action impulse might be. Are you blocking them? Is it to stop following them? Are you resisting the temptation to talk about them?
• The last step, and the most difficult, is to act in the opposite direction at all times! Block them! Delete images! Resist the temptation to talk about the relationship with your friends.

While this may seem simple, the opposite action of love is very difficult, just as spider exposure therapy is difficult for someone who is arachnophobic. And, just like with exposure therapy, the more you work at it, the easier it becomes and the emotions can subside and we can move on.

Here is a helpful exercise you can use when you notice unhelpful impulses for action associated with unjustified love:

1. Identify your current thoughts and beliefs about your former relationship.
2. What action impulses am I currently experiencing?
3. How intense are these impulses from 1 to 5?
4. What I want to do in life is with my personal growth and my values?
5. What are the actions opposed to these impulses? What does this look like?
6. How can I practice the opposite action?

Moving on after a breakup is always difficult, especially when feelings of love linger. This Valentine’s Day, don’t let those feelings dictate your actions, instead, use opposite actions to help you change how you feel!